Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
