There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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