When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
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found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
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Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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