he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
