Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
