Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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