i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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