I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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