I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
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You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
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I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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