Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
