david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
