Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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