i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
