It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
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I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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