Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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