i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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