It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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