woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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