i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I currently don't understand fingers.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
