I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
