im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
