I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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