Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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