Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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