Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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