I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
