Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
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