Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
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You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
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Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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