Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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