Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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