areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
