just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
