I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
