My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
