"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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