Don't make out with my wife yet
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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