I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
