last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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