It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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