You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
