I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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