Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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