TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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