Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I will be naked everywhere
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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