I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
