Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize