I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
