Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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