So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
