At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
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My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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