PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
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He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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