dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish you could order shots online.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
