Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i think i just lost a toe
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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