I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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