that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
